his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
