after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
