Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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