You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
