I accidentally had phone sex last night
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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