apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
