No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
