Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
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I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
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11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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