I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
