I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
