I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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