This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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