Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize