And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
