I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
