I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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