I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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