two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
