I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
