I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
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I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
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Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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