She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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