hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
