his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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