Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
