totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
