My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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