how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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