Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'm always down for nudity.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
