I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
