I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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