I haven't been this sober since birth.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
