I wish I could teleport
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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