my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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