hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I think my fart just growled at me.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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