and i looked up. we had an audience...
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
