I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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