What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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