i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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