I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
