Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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