Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
