mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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