i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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