So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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