I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
