I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I skipped work to stalk him.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
