He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
