I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
