You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
