the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think I am morally bankrupt
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
