I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
