I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
