Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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