Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I am one with the molecules
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
