apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
