Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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