Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
