i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
