Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
