I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
pop tarts are not kleenex
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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