Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
