Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
