you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize