if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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