i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
